Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Need Patrick Jane or Cal Lightman

Have you ever told other people one thing, but do another? Don't shit me, because I know everyone does that. I do it all the time. I tell people I'll be studying for a test or something, but I end up binge watching The Inbetweeners on fucking Netflix. Why do we do this? Why do you do it?

Well I do it because I'm a liar.

We all lie. Again, don't give me any of your crap because WE ALL LIE. What degree our lies go to is a different matter. Why we lie is also a different matter. Also, there's a distinction between lying and being a liar. Me? I'm a fucking liar.

I lie everyday. I lie to everyone. Most people have tells that show they are lying, but me? I've been lying my whole life I don't have a tell, or maybe people just can't find it yet. Hell, even I don't know my tell. Lies just come out of my mouth like chocolate milk flowing to the mouth of a fatso.

I even lie to myself, and I believe them.

Fuck me I have issues.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Postal

It's funny, spending the night in a hospital ward because someone asked you to. Sure, you feel shitty and hopeless and helpless and maybe a little suicidal, but who would've guessed someone asked you, nicely, to go to a hospital to get checked out?

It's been a weird few weeks. It's three-quarters past 2015 and I still feel the same way I did mid 2014. I watched TI4 and TI5 and saw a shitload of changes to all Dota 2 teams. Honestly all the teams nowadays change like, as Katy Perry famously says, a girl changes clothes. It makes you feel old, how the Dota calendar changes so much. It's only been a year, yet so many changes around me. I, however, have not changed much.

I'm still not sure what the fuck is wrong with me.

It's frustrating to sit at one spot for more than a year. You get bed sores. You get cramps. You also get sympathisers. And like all bed-ridden vegetables, you can't do shit about it. At least veges know what disease they have. It's a simple thing, physical diseases; they get diagnosed with a simple scan or test. Not my case, though, not my case.

Motivation still eludes me. Sleep has been a come-and-go, sort of like an on-again-off-again affair. Fuck knows when I'll finish my assignments. I hate what I'm learning. I don't know what to do with my life. I also hate my life. I can continue, but people are going to think I'm some attention-seeking slacker who needs his balls licked by people on the internet. Fact of the matter is, I'm one gigantic fuck-up.

And all I want to do is trying to survive day-to-day.

So excuse me if I sound pathetic, if I seem to just want attention, if I write like a fucking degenerate, if I'm being obnoxious, if I'm being immature, if I look like a fool, if I fucking annoy you with my shit writing, or whatever negative ifs you can possibly think of. I have a life to live, and though it may not be as hard as our Middle-Eastern brothers and sisters, it's fucking terrible. Its. Fucking. Terrible. All I'm doing is trying to cope. So again, ex-fucking-cuse me.

I never wanted all this. You want to know my life goals? I just want a life where I can just contact someone, just one person, and tell literally anything without a shadow of a doubt that he/she will either laugh or say the right things to either humour me or comfort me. I want a life where I wake up in the morning and look forward to the day. I want a life where I can go out without feeling ashamed of myself. It's not much, but hey, life just wants to be a fucking bitch, so nuh-uh.

I'm pretty sure everyone will say their life is shitty from time-to-time, and I'm pretty sure they're right. I'm also pretty sure people will call me a crybaby and say fuck you fat fuck just grow a pair and live like normal people who have problems in life. Well, to that, I say fuck your whore mother. I don't expect you to understand. I just expect you to respect my life and how I choose to live it, as long as I don't come and shag your slut of a mother, which I won't, because I respect her.

Sorry for my language. I'm just a tad frustrated. My imagination runs wild at this hour and all I can think of is the world antagonising my entire life.

Maybe the whole world is.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Limits

The amount of times I say the word "fuck" per day is impossible to keep track of. I'm by no means a religious person. I believe in God and everything, don't worry. However, sometimes I just can't help thinking that God may have just abandoned me.

It's not a good thought to have, I know, but sometimes, you know, sometimes. Things become shitty at every turn, almost nothing goes your way, and people around you just seem to show you the middle finger; these all take a toll at a man's soul. Everyone has their limit, no matter how strong or resilient they are. I'm a mere human being. I have doubts about life and death.

I haven't come face-to-face with death just yet, God forbid it would be anytime soon. I have so much love to give, so much happiness to find, and there are people who love me, but sometimes, sometimes, these things don't seem to matter. Sometimes all I want is to die, and my imagination runs amok as to how I'd die. 

This makes it dangerous for me to go out. The things that I could do to kill myself out in the open, oh don't get started on it. 

And now I'm starting to sound dark. 

Don't be afraid, I've never had the guts to follow through with my suicidal plans. I have a coping mechanism; I force my adrenaline to rush the fuck out into my veins. I do stupid things. I approach death in safe ways. I do it so I know the feeling of almost dying, and trust me, it doesn't feel so good, at least not how I imagined it would be.

Death is painful, there's not doubt about that. Your whole body system failing one by one, your fingers numbing, then your limbs, then your abdomen, then your voice becomes hoarse and finally that one last breath you take. I can never imagine how it feels like. I've heard the stories of a prophet who tasted death and was resurrected immediately so he knew the feeling of dying. He described it as "being stabbed by 40 swords" or something, and fuck me I almost cried like a bitch when I first got an injection.

The sad thing is though, I always have to remind myself that death by my own hands is not worth it. I constantly need to tell myself there are people who love me, there's so much love in me that I need to spread, and there are so many things I haven't done, things I haven't seen. I haven't seen the tulip gardens of The Netherlands, The Kremlin, Japan, Ireland, Scotland, the Scandinavian countries. I haven't eaten the best foods in the world, gone skydiving, been on a surfboard, hike a mountain.

So many things.

Yet, I'm a mere human being. I have my limits as well. It's a battle of me against myself, or my demons, or whatever. I honestly have no idea what I'm up against, but it's one tough son of a bitch. The outcome of this battle cannot be a stalemate. My enemy, it doesn't want to stop. One day, either I or this entity will emerge victorious, and the whole world will know.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Fishmongers

I woke up at 2.30pm today. No classes, but still, what the fuck right? My sleep schedule is messed up. I have a pending assignment due two weeks ago, one due in two days and another due in 5 days. I'm messed up. I'm fucked. But I don't feel anything. Literally nothing. It's like I don't give a shit anymore. Maybe I don't.

It's a lot of maybes, that's for sure. I still have feelings, mind you. I feel happy, I feel sad, angry, high, all that stuff, but like I said in my previous post, nothing feels genuine. 

It shows when I go to class, attend functions and stuff, you know, socialising. Day-to-day communications and interactions and all the consequences of them, it feels fake. I'm not saying that people are fake, because they fucking are, I'm saying that I fake things. Why do I fake things? Why do I have to mask everything, sugarcoat everything? And why the fuck are people allowed to do whatever the fuck they want, but I don't seem to get that choice?

I'm not a selfish person, at least not entirely. I can be selfish, but most of the time I try not to be. It's what my mother taught me. Don't be selfish. Think about other people. Have empathy. Come to think of it, I don't remember getting taught empathy by anyone. Whatever. But some people, some people, they don't give a shit. All they think of is themselves. I get frustrated a lot by these kind of people. I know a lot of them, and people actually LIKE them. I don't know if people are just faking it or that they are plain stupid. Both are actually possible.

What do I do with these people? I'm stupidly naive, so I go along with the shit show everyone puts up around these people. I laugh at their jokes, chuckle when they say other people are stupid because they have different opinions, back them up when they do selfish shit etc etc. Yeah I'm stupid. Naive. Cowardly. Well what the fuck am I to do? Stand up to them? I did. Once. It ruined my fucking life.

The thing is with selfish people is that they have influence. They have people sucking their dicks all the fucking time. You go to their faces and say they're selfish, boom, dicksuckers pop out of out nowhere to fuck you up. I've been there, and I tried to do it again many times, but I only have one life. It's been destroyed since. I'm still picking up the pieces I think. I rebuilt my life from fucking pieces, and I'm not builder. I can't build for shit. Therefore, my life sucks.

Fuck I sound like a 15-year-old. 

Though I wish I am 15 right now. Maybe 16. 16. Definitely 16. My happiest and most genuine years of living was when I was 16 and 17. After that, just a whole clusterfuck of fuck-ups. Before that? Haha. Before that was a few years of extreme fuck-ups, and about 12 years of nothingness. I'm 23 now. I've only been alive for two fucking years. 

How many have you lived?

Monday, September 28, 2015

Hope

I came across a nice quote today. I'm gonna paraphrase it because who the fuck has the time to memorise every single word.

"If you always feel the need to travel, you probably want a new life"

Or something like that. It hit me. I LOVE travelling. Seeing new stuff. Fuck I love old cities. And Christmas Markets in Europe holy shit. They don't have those here in New Zealand because it's hot during Christmas so people just party and go wild and shit (white people smh).

Do I want a new life? Fuck yes. I hate this life I'm living now. Not much feels genuine, at least not anymore. Every year I tell myself, this is the beginning of my new life. I used to wonder who the fuck am I kidding, then, well, I stopped caring. Why? It's the hope. Hope is a strange thing.

I've had my paths crossed with hope many times. Oh yes we know each other quite well. The thing with hope is that it wants to help. It really does. You close your eyes and you see it. You see hope. Then you begin doing things differently because of the newfound hope. Its intentions are pure. However, we often misread it as promise. Oh I tell you hope and promise are two absolutely different beings. The fucked up thing about it is that they seems so similar. Now, don't blame hope, it doesn't know you're mistaking it for promise. Like I said, it just wants to help. Hope helps. Promise gives. One opens the door and the other is whatever the fuck is beyond that door.

Anyways, hope and I, we know each other. Believe it or not, hope knows when I mistake it for promise. Oh it knows, but it doesn't really stop me from believing so. Hope is like your grandma; all it wants to see is you being happy and smiling and not wallowing in sorrow or whatever, so sometimes it tells white lies. I'm fully aware that hope lies to me all the time, but I don't care. I suck on whatever happiness I can find, and hope provides me with the pseudo-nutrient that is happiness.

I want to start over. New page. Clean slate. I want promise. If a fucking genie came up to me asking for one wish, I would wish for this. A brand new start. To everything. Fuck money, fuck big houses, I just want to re-write what I am. Hope helps me; by creating an illusion of a world that I can re-write my history.

From this vantage point it sure seems that hope is a bad thing. It actually can be. Like all good things in this world, you simply twist one aspect, it can become maleficent, and no, the good thing doesn't know one of its aspects is twisted, or maybe it does and it doesn't give a fuck. How would I know?

So, what does hope do to you?

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

One Day

One day, I will let go of everything. I will let go of all the negativity, the hindrance, everything that is holding me back. One day, I will fulfill my destiny. I will be the person I should have always been.

The thing with demons is that they know to leave a seed behind. They can be flushed away, they can be eradicated, but they will always plant a seed for a newborn. This seed is deep inside one's soul, so deep it almost always gets away unnoticed, feeding off the flesh of its host. The demons watch from afar, waiting for their offspring to come to life, and when it does, they laugh and scream at your face, "YOU THINK YOU'RE SAFE? YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL BETTER NOW? WELL YOU'RE WRONG."

I'm a nice guy. Yeah I have some bad in me, but who doesn't? I snoop around people's phones every now and then for kicks, I tell inappropriate jokes, I swear and curse a lot, I take enjoyment from seeing other people suffer. We all do that sometimes (don't we?). My point is, despite all the bad things I do from time to time, I'm a nice person overall. I try to help people whenever I can, I donate to charity and homeless people, I...huh. Now that I think of it, I don't do enough good. Fuck.

Have we ever thought about that? What good have we actually done in our lives routinely? I'm not talking about that one time you helped an old lady cross the road because you were, like, there, or when you gave your food to a hobo who looked creepy and you just wanted to get rid of him. I'm talking about constantly doing good things in life. Have we ever thought about that? Do you think that somehow we all are contributing to all the evil in this world?

Edmund Burke once said, famously, that all that is necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing. This is my all-time favourite quote. 

Anyways, fuck good things. You wanna do it, do it. You don't wanna, suit yourself. That Edmund Burke quote though.

One day, though, I'm pretty sure I'll explode. I feel evil. I say I'm a nice guy, but all I feel is evil. If I took the ever-popular life advice of "follow your heart", with God as my witness I swear to fucking fuck people would call me an animal. We are all animals by nature. To follow your heart means that you become your true, savage, primal self. You become the monkey, the ape, what have you. Don't follow your heart. You're gonna suffer, and that's a bare minimum, because worst case scenario is that you'll hurt other people, people who love you.

That being said, I've been an animal at times. I've tapped into my primal self. I've faced my demons. I've embraced them even. Holy shit it was awesome. It was fucking awesome I tell you. You don't feel anything other than pure lust for power and blood and all things beastly. You evoke the most powerful force known to animals; fearlessness. You just don't give a shit anymore. Oh fuck it was a great feeling to have.

For a moment. 

This transformation is ephemeral. It's temporary. It's like the effects of hard drugs, and like hard drugs, you lose the feeling after a dose. Then you want more because your stupid body is becoming more tolerant of it. Then you increase the dose. More, and more, and more, and more until before you know it, you're addicted. Hah. You're now an addict to an ethereal, fantastical, psychological drug. It's not like they can flush it out of your system at a hospital. No no no....you're fucked now.

You wanna know the most screwed up part? You can overdose. Yes, like any kind of drug, you can, and will, overdose if you're not careful. And yes, overdose can lead to death. You wanna be a rock star? Well at least you can die like one for free!

Anyways, fuck that. Where was I? Oh, yes. One day, I will be better. One day, I will recover. One day, I will outgrow this shit. One day, I will succeed in life.

One

Fucking

Day

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Carr

It was a normal working day for Carr at Prada. Customers in and out, most of them not buying anything. His job was only to greet people most of the time, and he excelled.

Then came along a man, ragged was his clothes. A worn out Lakers cap, a white polo shirt slightly yellow around the armpits, loose cargo pants, slippers, and a scruffy beard. He entered and started browsing the items, all the while stroking his beard like it was a cat. At times he would scratch his nose and even ram his fingers in his nostrils. He also looked very tired and weary, with eye bags underneath his eyes, a slightly pale face and a slouch on his shoulders.

Carr observed the man from afar, thoughts playing in his mind, prejudices toying with his professionalism and hesitation suppressing his will for duty. He looked around at his co-workers and they all gave no heed to the man. Some made disgusted faces, some gave judgmental expressions, some even laughed at him. "Assholes", thought Carr.

His willpower was indeed strong. Carr approached the man and uttered his work mantra, "how can I help you sir?"

The man stared at Carr with his weary eyes for a solid 5 seconds, making Carr very nervous and awkward. The man then switched his gaze around the store, catching every eye of Carr's co-workers until he stopped at one person.

"You! Come over here," bellowed the man. His voice was indeed commanding. Carr felt a slight tingle down his spine.

The person summoned by the man shuddered and slowly made his way to him. Carr saw that his co-worker was anxious, nervous and probably scared.

"Are there things in this store that you like?" the man said. The summoned person was hesitant to answer, and he looked at Carr in case there was any hope for him to be spared of whatever may come. Carr looked away, more out of fear than anything. What Carr feared at the time remains a mystery.

"Y-y-yes. I've always wanted those shoes," The summoned man finally answered. The man stared at the pair of shoes and said to Carr, "would you please take a pair of those, his size?"

Carr was confused. He didn't know what to do. He looked at the summoned man and he shrugged. The entire store was silent. Everyone was quietly watching this drama unfolding. A drop of sweat was flowing from Carr's temple.

"Hurry now, lad. I haven't got all day," the man broke the silence. Carr rushed to get that pair of shoes.

"Now, when I entered this store, literally no one wanted to speak to me. Is that correct?"

"You," the man sent a thunderbolt down the summoned man's spine with his voice, "you even looked at me with disgust. I want to ask you, how much do you make here?"

"A-a-about a grand and a half a month..." answered the summoned man.

"So, you will never be able to afford this shoe right? The pair of shoes that you see everyday, from 10 a.m to 10 p.m. So let me buy it for you."

Carr's eyebrows almost disappeared in his hair when the man declared this, and his hairline is receding. The summoned man was shocked, but a slight smile was etched on his face soon afterwards. He was speechless, much like everyone else in the store.

"Th-thank you so much sir, b-but, are you really sure you want to do this? Even after what I did to you?" said the summoned man. It was the morally right thing to do.

"Yes, now please check it in at the cashier. I have places that I need to go. Scurry now," the man said. The summoned man rushed the shoes to the counter and keyed in the numbers.

"That would be thirty-two hundred, sir," said the cashier. The man dunked his hand in his back pocket and dished out three thousand and two hundred dollars in cash. Carr drooled a bit seeing this, and he didn't care. He has never seen three thousand and two hundred in cold hard cash. He savoured every moment.

Then the questions emerged. Who was this man? Why does he carry around that much money in his pocket? Why is he so scruffy? What the hell? Carr looked at his co-workers and it seemed like nobody was thinking of these questions except him. They were all smiling and patting the summoned man's back.

Then other questions emerged. Why didn't I get the shoes? Why would the man buy it for the asshole that gave him such bad treatment? Why is this happening? What the hell? Carr sat down and and frowned. He was never a lucky man. He was a nice person, but never lucky. Poor Carr.

The store suddenly erupted into shouts and screams. Carr snapped out of his wallowing. There was a fire in the store. Carr quickly ran to the locker rooms and grabbed a fire extinguisher, but when he returned, the fire was out. Again, poor Carr.

His disappointment, though, was short lived. He looked at the source of the fire, and saw that it was a box. A shoe box. Carr looked around and saw shocked faces everywhere. The summoned man was holding his head and his eyes were almost popping out of their sockets.

By this time, the mystery man was already at the door, ready to leave. Carr stopped him, "Sir, what have you done? And why did you do it?"

With his bellowing voice, the man answered, "Son, I am a multimillionaire, I came here today like this because I am looking for a nice gift to give my wife. I was locked out of the house because I didn't put the toilet seat back down. But don't judge her. I love my wife and she loves me. However, your co-workers here are assholes. I come in and no one bats an eye? I run a business, and I give an audience to anyone who sets an appointment with me, no matter how they look. Do you know how many hobos out there that have their own houses because I gave them jobs? Do you know how many street kids who now make so much more than you do because I gave them jobs? They came to me looking for jobs and I gave them. Now they are successful and they always write to me, tell stories about me to their children and friends. I am a multimillionaire. You people don't even make a fraction of what I make and you are all so arrogant! Fifteen hundred a month? I make fifteen hundred an hour! You see how easily I bought those shit shoes, and how easily I burned them in front of you? You must think I'm the most arrogant bastard ever, but I was showing you how arrogant you people were earlier, and how I, as the customer, felt. I put you people in my shoes. Doesn't feel so good, right?"

Carr was sweating so much that his whole face was drenched. The man noticed this, and added, "Oh but you, son, you are an exception. I will write to Patrizio Bertelli himself to commend you. I will see you be made manager of this branch, your co-workers fired and replaced with more professional ones. Oh and please give me your address. I will see that you get an upgrade on your transport, and your house will be renovated so you will look more like a Prada branch manager."

Carr's jaw dropped so much he had a cramp. One of his co-workers fainted and the summoned man froze like a sculpture before running out of the store crying.

What the hell?