24

I officially turn 24 today. It's probably the most low-key birthday I've ever had. Then again, I've been wanting to be low-key for a long time now. I feel okay though. I hate celebrating myself. What is there to celebrate? If you've seen or known me recently you'll probably know why. Save your "I think you look good" bullshit because you just want to be nice. Thank you, though, if you actually said that to be nice.

I took a selfie and posted in on Instagram just now. I took it under good lighting and all, but I couldn't really make it look good enough. I had to use a BnW filter. I look scruffy, unkempt, tired, pathetic, everything you can think of when you see Chris Pratt in Parks and Recreation. Fucking Chris Pratt. Look at him now. Anyways, I'd imagine a 16-year-old me would not recognise himself if he'd seen me looking like this. He'd probably work harder and did better things with his life so he wouldn't end up like me, but we all know that's not how life works. Life's a bitch. The ultimate bitch who gives you only one fucking chance. You blow it, you don't get another chance, unless you score some miracle from God and get to travel back in time to rectify whatever shit you did. Again, that's not how it works.

I listened to Fun's Some Nights album recently. I bought the CD a couple of years back and rediscovered it stashed in my car. I popped it in the CD player and had the most wonderful time torturing myself to the sappy, kill-yourself, downward-spiral kind of theme the album showcases. It fits my life so much it scares me. I've also got Twenty One Pilots' Ride and Stressed Out stuck in my head for the longest time. I hate how right these songs are in describing the shit I'm facing right now, but that's why I keep listening to them. 

In a way it's pretty good. I'm on more antidepressants after seeing yet another doctor last week, and me rediscovering an attachment to music pairs quite well with that, don't you think? No? Fuck you then because I need to feel good. Music is supposed to make me feel good, feel better. It used to so much. Video games used to do that a lot. Travelling. Hanging out. Watching movies. All these things I've lost in my downward spiral. It's frustrating. In an attempt to free yourself from all the shit that's bringing you down, you let go some of the things that actually is holding you up, because you're a fuck-up. Frustrating. Fucking frustrating.

24 years old. I've lived for 24 years. I'm going to say something cheesy, so please forgive me. I've lived for 24 years, but I've never felt alive in years now. Fucking hell I actually smiled while typing that. There's a reason it's cheesy, the same reason why stereotypes exist and why you're an idiot; it's *generally* true. It fits so well in so many lives. I'm part of the masses now. I'm disappointed in myself. 24 years and I'm part of some cheesy expression.