Fishmongers

I woke up at 2.30pm today. No classes, but still, what the fuck right? My sleep schedule is messed up. I have a pending assignment due two weeks ago, one due in two days and another due in 5 days. I'm messed up. I'm fucked. But I don't feel anything. Literally nothing. It's like I don't give a shit anymore. Maybe I don't.

It's a lot of maybes, that's for sure. I still have feelings, mind you. I feel happy, I feel sad, angry, high, all that stuff, but like I said in my previous post, nothing feels genuine. 

It shows when I go to class, attend functions and stuff, you know, socialising. Day-to-day communications and interactions and all the consequences of them, it feels fake. I'm not saying that people are fake, because they fucking are, I'm saying that I fake things. Why do I fake things? Why do I have to mask everything, sugarcoat everything? And why the fuck are people allowed to do whatever the fuck they want, but I don't seem to get that choice?

I'm not a selfish person, at least not entirely. I can be selfish, but most of the time I try not to be. It's what my mother taught me. Don't be selfish. Think about other people. Have empathy. Come to think of it, I don't remember getting taught empathy by anyone. Whatever. But some people, some people, they don't give a shit. All they think of is themselves. I get frustrated a lot by these kind of people. I know a lot of them, and people actually LIKE them. I don't know if people are just faking it or that they are plain stupid. Both are actually possible.

What do I do with these people? I'm stupidly naive, so I go along with the shit show everyone puts up around these people. I laugh at their jokes, chuckle when they say other people are stupid because they have different opinions, back them up when they do selfish shit etc etc. Yeah I'm stupid. Naive. Cowardly. Well what the fuck am I to do? Stand up to them? I did. Once. It ruined my fucking life.

The thing is with selfish people is that they have influence. They have people sucking their dicks all the fucking time. You go to their faces and say they're selfish, boom, dicksuckers pop out of out nowhere to fuck you up. I've been there, and I tried to do it again many times, but I only have one life. It's been destroyed since. I'm still picking up the pieces I think. I rebuilt my life from fucking pieces, and I'm not builder. I can't build for shit. Therefore, my life sucks.

Fuck I sound like a 15-year-old. 

Though I wish I am 15 right now. Maybe 16. 16. Definitely 16. My happiest and most genuine years of living was when I was 16 and 17. After that, just a whole clusterfuck of fuck-ups. Before that? Haha. Before that was a few years of extreme fuck-ups, and about 12 years of nothingness. I'm 23 now. I've only been alive for two fucking years. 

How many have you lived?