Limits

The amount of times I say the word "fuck" per day is impossible to keep track of. I'm by no means a religious person. I believe in God and everything, don't worry. However, sometimes I just can't help thinking that God may have just abandoned me.

It's not a good thought to have, I know, but sometimes, you know, sometimes. Things become shitty at every turn, almost nothing goes your way, and people around you just seem to show you the middle finger; these all take a toll at a man's soul. Everyone has their limit, no matter how strong or resilient they are. I'm a mere human being. I have doubts about life and death.

I haven't come face-to-face with death just yet, God forbid it would be anytime soon. I have so much love to give, so much happiness to find, and there are people who love me, but sometimes, sometimes, these things don't seem to matter. Sometimes all I want is to die, and my imagination runs amok as to how I'd die. 

This makes it dangerous for me to go out. The things that I could do to kill myself out in the open, oh don't get started on it. 

And now I'm starting to sound dark. 

Don't be afraid, I've never had the guts to follow through with my suicidal plans. I have a coping mechanism; I force my adrenaline to rush the fuck out into my veins. I do stupid things. I approach death in safe ways. I do it so I know the feeling of almost dying, and trust me, it doesn't feel so good, at least not how I imagined it would be.

Death is painful, there's not doubt about that. Your whole body system failing one by one, your fingers numbing, then your limbs, then your abdomen, then your voice becomes hoarse and finally that one last breath you take. I can never imagine how it feels like. I've heard the stories of a prophet who tasted death and was resurrected immediately so he knew the feeling of dying. He described it as "being stabbed by 40 swords" or something, and fuck me I almost cried like a bitch when I first got an injection.

The sad thing is though, I always have to remind myself that death by my own hands is not worth it. I constantly need to tell myself there are people who love me, there's so much love in me that I need to spread, and there are so many things I haven't done, things I haven't seen. I haven't seen the tulip gardens of The Netherlands, The Kremlin, Japan, Ireland, Scotland, the Scandinavian countries. I haven't eaten the best foods in the world, gone skydiving, been on a surfboard, hike a mountain.

So many things.

Yet, I'm a mere human being. I have my limits as well. It's a battle of me against myself, or my demons, or whatever. I honestly have no idea what I'm up against, but it's one tough son of a bitch. The outcome of this battle cannot be a stalemate. My enemy, it doesn't want to stop. One day, either I or this entity will emerge victorious, and the whole world will know.