It's funny, spending the night in a hospital ward because someone asked you to. Sure, you feel shitty and hopeless and helpless and maybe a little suicidal, but who would've guessed someone asked you, nicely, to go to a hospital to get checked out?
It's been a weird few weeks. It's three-quarters past 2015 and I still feel the same way I did mid 2014. I watched TI4 and TI5 and saw a shitload of changes to all Dota 2 teams. Honestly all the teams nowadays change like, as Katy Perry famously says, a girl changes clothes. It makes you feel old, how the Dota calendar changes so much. It's only been a year, yet so many changes around me. I, however, have not changed much.
I'm still not sure what the fuck is wrong with me.
It's frustrating to sit at one spot for more than a year. You get bed sores. You get cramps. You also get sympathisers. And like all bed-ridden vegetables, you can't do shit about it. At least veges know what disease they have. It's a simple thing, physical diseases; they get diagnosed with a simple scan or test. Not my case, though, not my case.
Motivation still eludes me. Sleep has been a come-and-go, sort of like an on-again-off-again affair. Fuck knows when I'll finish my assignments. I hate what I'm learning. I don't know what to do with my life. I also hate my life. I can continue, but people are going to think I'm some attention-seeking slacker who needs his balls licked by people on the internet. Fact of the matter is, I'm one gigantic fuck-up.
And all I want to do is trying to survive day-to-day.
So excuse me if I sound pathetic, if I seem to just want attention, if I write like a fucking degenerate, if I'm being obnoxious, if I'm being immature, if I look like a fool, if I fucking annoy you with my shit writing, or whatever negative ifs you can possibly think of. I have a life to live, and though it may not be as hard as our Middle-Eastern brothers and sisters, it's fucking terrible. Its. Fucking. Terrible. All I'm doing is trying to cope. So again, ex-fucking-cuse me.
I never wanted all this. You want to know my life goals? I just want a life where I can just contact someone, just one person, and tell literally anything without a shadow of a doubt that he/she will either laugh or say the right things to either humour me or comfort me. I want a life where I wake up in the morning and look forward to the day. I want a life where I can go out without feeling ashamed of myself. It's not much, but hey, life just wants to be a fucking bitch, so nuh-uh.
I'm pretty sure everyone will say their life is shitty from time-to-time, and I'm pretty sure they're right. I'm also pretty sure people will call me a crybaby and say fuck you fat fuck just grow a pair and live like normal people who have problems in life. Well, to that, I say fuck your whore mother. I don't expect you to understand. I just expect you to respect my life and how I choose to live it, as long as I don't come and shag your slut of a mother, which I won't, because I respect her.
Sorry for my language. I'm just a tad frustrated. My imagination runs wild at this hour and all I can think of is the world antagonising my entire life.
Maybe the whole world is.
If you think no one cares, I do. As a matter of fact, one doesn't need a partner to be genuinely loved and cared about. A friend could do too. I care about you, but I can't tell you in your face 'cause I'm afraid you'd think I'm poking my nose into your life. So really, I do not know how to help. I'm of course concerned with your issues. All I've been doing, try to make you feel the exact opposite of abandoned. I truly care about you as a friend who doesn't want to see you fail in life, or at least fail at uni. At least don't fail when I'm around 'cause I'd feel terrible if I don't help you go through this phase.
ReplyDeleteAbu, remember that you can tell me anything and I won't judge you. I know when some people say "they need to remember Allah" or "they are too pessimistic with life" etc, yes we have to admit some people don't acknowledge mental issues. They think spiritual and mental are about the same thing. But Abu, I don't-- I understand how unbearable is your circumstances. So please, if you want to talk, to express yourself, without having to worry of being judged, you can find me. How? Well, reply to this comment if you find it a good idea to talk to me anonymously. I won't reveal myself so that you won't get awkward. If you think you want, I can create like a special email just to listen to your problems and so that we can always chat privately.
- 6 (my identity, so next time you know it's me leaving the comment with this sign)
* are your circumstances
Delete- 6
I'm not sure if I can take you seriously if I don't know who you are. I'm posting blogs about my state of mind, so I don't think I'll say you're poking your nose in my life :)
DeleteYou don't need to go to so much trouble hiding your identity. If you're for real, come say it to me. I don't have enough "real" people in my life so I'd appreciate it if you do.
And thank you, for this.
I'm still waiting for you, you know. You may think you're helping but in reality I feel more unsafe, more insecure, and more paranoid after you said this. Who are you? If you wanna help or be my friend why won't you just tell me who you are.
Deletefuck you
Delete