Saturday, April 30, 2016

Ego and shit

I'm in a rut. I can't really write much, I don't really go out much, and my sleep pattern is all but fucked. It's like seriously fucked. I haven't seen the light of day for, I think, 3 days now. It feels so bad. It feels like I've ran a marathon, only no calories were burnt in the process, only my sanity. Yeah, I still have my sanity, if that's what you're thinking.

I miss a few things in my life. I really hate admitting it. I'm stubborn. I blame my dad for that. He has an ego the size of a mountain, and I'm closely following behind him like a parasite. Nevertheless here I am, admitting my shortcomings to anyone who gives a shit. Thanks though, for giving a shit. If you don't, then I don't give a shit. 

It's hard for me to tell people what I think. You see, I have this irrational fear of people hating me. For that, I credit the bastards at an old school of mine. Maybe some of you know who they are, maybe some of you are the very bastards that have made my life miserable for the last 10 years or so, or maybe you don't know shit, and that's okay. I rarely tell anyone anything anyways. I mean, how do people do it? How do people say what they think to other people? How are people not afraid of other people's opinions? I don't understand.

There are alarming things about me, I can admit to that. But don't give me bullshit like "thank God I don't have issues like this guy" because guess what? You're fucked in your own way. Everyone is. We are all fucked one way or another. Sometimes we just don't realise it, or sometimes we don't wanna admit to it. Look into a mirror and just ask yourself, are you fucked? If you take even a split second to second guess yourself, then there's something. If not, hey! You don't exist. Or you're delusional. Take a pick.

Anyways, all I think about nowadays is how the fuck did I get into this situation. I saw Deadpool the other day (finally) and he said something along the lines of when you find yourself in a downward spiral, you can trace it down to one giant fuck-up that started it all. Wade's was his voluntary participation to be a guinea pig for Ajax/Francis. I'm still figuring out mine. Maybe we all are still figuring out the fuck-up that started it all.

Or maybe all of you just don't, can't, and won't understand. I've had people do those to me.

Now that I think of it, I've said enough. If I say more, all you fuckers do is just shake your heads and feel bad about me. I don't want nor do I need pity. Or maybe you fuckers will laugh at how pathetic I'm being, writing all these dark and weird stuff about myself. Or maybe you fuckers are gonna use whatever I've said against me one day or some shit. All I've longed for, all I've ever wanted, all I ask for is....

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Ha! Got you. 

Idiot.

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comments of hatred bukan dekat sini tau. sana tu, sana